Wednesday, September 07, 2005
Telephone call for Mr. Munch...
Well, given that all concerned parties have been notified, I think I can spill the beans on the big secret mentioned back on May 12:
Miranda is pregnant.
To put this into something approaching perspective, one needs to understand that A) we have three children three years old or younger and B) this is nearly a medical miracle. Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego were all the result of In-Vitro Fertilization. Miranda and I were incapable of conceiving without a little help from our friendly neighborhood lab. After she became pregnant with Shadrach and his twin brother, Joshua (whom we lost at 28 weeks), her doctor said that pregnancy could sometimes kick start the reproductive system enough to cure ovulation problems. It was rare, but it happened to some women.
It didn't happen to Miranda.
So after waiting a bit, we went around again with jabbing needles into butt cheeks and choking the trouser trout into cups (no links for that, pervert) and we were blessed with Meshach and Abednego. That was it. We were done. Game over. And in the one-less-thing-to-worry-about file, we had natural built-in birth control.
Wrongo.
Yes, indeedy, the fourth bean is on his way--it seems assisted or not we make boys and boys only--and will arrive around New Years. (For tax purposes, I hope he sneaks in a bit early.)
Below are a few expressions that approximate mine upon receiving Miranda's call at work:
This is what I would have looked like if I were an Asian guy in his twenties...
This is what I would have looked like if I were an Asian guy in his twenties who was a cartoon...
This is what I would have looked like if I were an Asian guy in his twenties with slow hands (that's me on the left in the red trunks)...
This is what I would have looked like if I were a nerdy white guy with glasses (uh, wait a sec)...
This is what I would have looked like if I were a nerdy white guy with glasses doing the trés passé Regis Philbin monochromatic thing while eating a pastry...
This is what I would have looked like if I were a nerdy white guy with glasses who also happened to be a washed-up college football coach...
This is what I would have looked like if I were the leader of the free world...or some dope who pronounces every word of the English language like he's saying it for the first time...
This is what I would have looked like if I were Little Lord Fauntleroy all grown up...
This is what I would have looked like if I were a crazed six year-old...
This is what I would have looked like if I were a portly character actor in a bad Zorro movie...
You get the idea.
Lately though, given a few months to think about this incredible event and all its staggeringly frightening and exciting possibilities, I feel more like this guy...
In other words, A-ok!
(Ed. note: The term "A-ok" may--in this instance--be a literary technique known as "foreshadowing." Stay tuned, dear reader...)
